Indulge me for a minute while I run through some of my shit in an attempt to pull it all together.
I mean, obviously Mike and I are not, well, ANYTHING anymore, and it has broken my heart in a thousand ways. It feels weird to say that, particularly as I embarked on this dating thing without intending to be emotionally involved, and certainly not expecting that I COULD be anyway. But shit happens, and some of it's awesome and some of it sucks so hard that you wonder what it would be like to just sit on your couch and cry for days and weeks.
Mike is the first guy that made me really, really forget about Zack--yeah, him, way back from the beginning--and that was a huge step for me. And if we had been together for even another two weeks, I would have been dead in love with him, 100% no question. I mean, I am--was--almost there as it was. It tears me up to know that I had the potential to be part of something amazing, then to have it pulled away.
I maintain, still, that fear is the main reason we aren't together, but that is his issue, and I can't control it, as much as I might want to. I conceded and compromised as much as I could, but it became obvious that he was not willing to risk as much as I was. To have that feeling, even for a little while, of belonging (even if he didn't feel it too), of knowing this is who I want to BE with makes it really hard to go back to a world without it. It feels different. It feels ... not right.
At any rate, even though it took a little bit, I've finally gotten to the point that I don't cry every time I go on a dating website. Sometimes I do, I admit, but not every time. Baby steps.
So that's where I'm at: acknowledging that I need to move on, even if I haven't fully accepted that he is not going to be part of my life. I'm only just beginning to look through profiles without just dully scrolling through names, shrugging off page views and messages and winks.
Most days I just log off, because I look through pictures and favorites and I don't give a shit because nobody is HIM. But then, some days, I convince myself to make more of an effort, and I put on a happy face and act like everything is normal, everything is Pre-Mike, and I'm just looking for a good time again.
I just need to get back on the horse* again, if you will. I'm not trying to forget him--as if I could anyway--but I am trying to at least file him away with the others, so the memory is there when I want it, but it doesn't keep hanging out in the front of my mind and fucking me up on a daily basis.
I feel dumb for spending so much time grieving when we weren't even really together for very long. I don't care, though, because I'll be done when I'm ready to be done, and not before, and side-eye-ers can fuck right off.
I'll cry as long as I need to, and then I will pick myself up and wipe my face and my nose, and then I will kick some ass.
*and by "horse," I mean "dick," obviously
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