I think this

If you are over the age of thirty--

NO.  If you are over the age of 14, having 69 as any part of your username is absolutely unacceptable.  That shit is not cute.




Incidentally, this opinion is sponsored by a message I got from a different guy from Kansas.  Pfft.  Fucking Kansas.

Ugh, KANSAS

Despite the fact that I do not live anywhere near Kansas--NOR DO I WANT TO--there's a guy from that pit of  a state messaging me.

I think, all other factors being equal, I would go out with someone from Uzbekistan before I would go out with someone from Kansas.  Uzbekistan, at least, has SOMETHING going on, whereas Kansas ...

I was previously unaware of my deep and burning hatred for that state.  Internet dating is educational for many reasons.

This is unexpected

I'd had a good bit of luck with OkCupid, but it's kind of winding down now.  At the same time, my traffic for Match is picking up.

The BEST thing about Match.com is that, when somebody winks or messages me, and he is not only not my type, but also potentially an ax murderer, I have the option of the site sending him a generic "No thanks" message.  I don't even have to compose it myself!  That is so useful!

... real life should have an option like that.  Get on it, please.

Mother Nature can suck my dick

I hate it when I'm about to go out with a guy who is unbelievably fuckable, and then I get my motherfucking period.

Cut a girl a break, please, UTERUS.  Why you gotta be cock-blockin' me now?

Popular

Right now I have four different guys tryin' to get wit' me: two I don't want, one I'm halfway excited about, and one that I want to be with forever and ever, but he might be too awesome even for me.

Isn't that the way it goes?  Doesn't matter if you're in junior high or you're a grown-ass woman.

Anyway, I am categorizing them as follows: granny panties, granny panties, black boyshorts, lacy fuck-me pants, respectively.

This is a good system.

Honesty is important

Does anybody else hate it when you've just recovered from your Sex Face and your guy asks, "What are you thinking?"

Ugh, dudes are the WORST about asking this question!  Why I gotta be thinking anything, huh?  There are times when I've got a mind empty of thoughts, and I can tell you that post-sexercise is one of them.

The other night, though, when I'd talked the Bad Speller into another round, because I'm good like that, he asked me, "What are you thinking?"  And instead of lying, I told him EXACTLY what I was thinking:

"I was thinking about how much I hate giving handjobs."

Bingo, kiddies!  No more questions, and best of all, NO MORE HANDJOBS.

True or False

A guy whose username is IMGoodNBed is the victim of his own wishful thinking.

Discuss.

Ma Bell

Several guys have asked me for my number.  "Do you want to talk or text?" they ask.

I hate talking on the phone in general, and texting is a pain.  Without vocal inflection, a message can take on any meaning, depending upon what mood I'm in when I read it.  I will, seriously, reread and agonize over text messages until I drive myself into a deep depression/ice cream buffet.

Instead, I always say that I'm comfortable with our current method of communication, and so far, no guy has quit talking to me because of that.

So, that's a no, dudes.  No, I do not want to talk or text.

My phone number is a delicate flower, and I think I will just keep her to myself*.



*This sounds sexual, but it's not.

So That's Done

The Bad Speller and I have very different ideas as to where our relationship should go.

He is Mr. Right Now, for me, but he wants me to be his future Mrs. Bad Speller*.  You see the problem.

So we are not seeing each other again, in order to avoid hurting his tender feelings.  It was his idea, and we had an argument about it that went something like this:

Me:  Why we gotta be labelin' stuff  after a week?
Him:  I  LIKE YOU.
Me:  How can you even know that?
Him:  I LIKE YOU.
Me:  Why don't we just have a good time?
Him:  I LIKE YOU.

I'm not good at the breakup stuff, even if it doesn't really count as a breakup, because what we were doing doesn't really count as a relationship.

This dating stuff.  Good lord.


*Not that I blame him.  I'm awesome.

Discovery!

It turns out that I WILL go out* with a guy who uses the wrong form of your/you're.

I did not know this about myself.  Interesting.






*Also, I will fuck him.

Winking is dumb

On Match.com, there's a feature very similar to Facebook's poking, whereby strangers can "wink" at someone they think is cute.

First, the idea is dumb, okay?  In real life, I can't tell a wink from a blink, and sometimes maybe a person doesn't mean to wink at anyone, and she just has something in her eye, so this is not an invitation for you to DANCE UP ON HER.

That never happened.

Second, winking is what people who haven't paid the monthly fee do in order to get someone who has laid out her hard-earned money to message THEM, which is allowed, I guess.  It just seems devious to me.  Also, I would like to be reimbursed for that.

Third, every single person who has winked at me has been old and/or ugly.

THIS SYSTEM IS BROKEN.

I am hot

Well, look at that.  At least half of the users on OKC are uglier than I am.  Top 50th percentile!

This is worrying, though:

... because the only new person in my match results is wearing eyeliner and a cowboy hat.  Not even a REAL cowboy hat, but the kind that Bret Michaels would wear--really small and with the sides rolled up.

I am concerned about OKC's standards for attractiveness.  What does that mean for me?  Am I really only as attractive as an eyelined Rock of Love wannabe?  

I think I'm insulted.

Also, this makes me twitch in righteous anger:

AS IF I would have ugly friends. Pfft.

Where are all the good men?

During a conversation re: a message I got from an asshole on OKC--

BFF: I have to say that the most educated, well-spoken men I found were the ones on eHarmony. I guess you do need to pay to get the good ones.

Me: eHarmony is a pimp, and not in a good way.

Dear Lord in Heaven

Dear Match.com Uhhhh ..... Yeah, she sparks my interest. Thanks for sending her to me..... 

I just ...

So THIS happened

My First Foot Fetishist