Knowing your audience

So I'm talking to this guy on OKC, and the messages start to get a little racy.

He asks me if I'm into freaky stuff, and I reply that I'm as vanilla as can be, but I can be persuaded.

He asks what's the weirdest thing I've ever watched, and I reply that I don't really like watching that stuff. (And why would I, Internet?  I am a DO-er, not a watcher.)

I ask what kinds of things he likes to watch, and he replies that he's watched a girl with a dog.

Now, I didn't want to judge, because maybe he was just trying to shock me.  Which he did.

I ask what he likes to DO, since doing and watching are two different things, and he replies by asking me if I would ever do that.

"Be with a dog?" I ask.  "No thanks."

"Ohhhhh, okay, haha," he replies.

HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO TAKE THAT.

"I don't know if you meant to imply that you are into bestiality," I say, "but that's what this comes off as, and yes, it freaks me out."

"Oh, haha," he says, "no, it's just something I saw once."

"Dude," I say, "next time, you need to reveal your kinks slowly.  Here, let's practice:  What kind of stuff do you like?" because I am a second-chances kind of gal, and I know that sometimes people just spout a bunch of shit via texts/IMs that they'd never say in public.

"Role-playing," he says, which: whatever.  I'm not gonna lie; I like it.

EXCEPT let's say you're ... a nurse, okay, and you work in the ward with comatose people all day.  That's not really a space you want to explore sexually, am I right?  So I read this, "Role-playing," and then I hope and pray the next words aren't "nurse/coma patient."

But no.  "Nurse/coma patient," he says.

"That hits kind of close for me," I say.  "But role-playing can be fun."

"I think nurse/coma patient is hot," he says.  "Can't help it lol."

I see there is no way I'm going to win with this one, so:

It makes sense that you're single

I've been fairly lucky since I've started dating, in that I've only gone out with a couple of guys that I didn't really connect with.

On the other hand, that one guy I thought I was really going to like?  Mr. Lacy Fuck-me Pants?  Has turned out to be the most manipulative game-playing son of  a bitch I've yet encountered.  To then be told that I'M at fault is just icing on the cake.

I would like to tell Mr. Asshole Hypocrisy exactly why I hate him, but I feel like that would make it easy for him to tell everybody that I'm the crazy one.  And the fucked-up thing is, I have actually asked myself  AM I THE CRAZY ONE.

So.  To recap: He treats me like shit, insists that I am inducing drama by accusing him of treating me like shit, blames me for making him treat me like shit, and also, I'm the one who is mentally unstable.

WHAT IS THIS DOMESTIC ABUSE BULLSHIT, AND WHY AM I ACCEPTING IT.

No more.  NO. MORE.

I'm out.

But first:

WHAT DID I JUST SAY

My OKC profile has become fairly popular with Kansans lately.  We all know how I feel about that.

FUCK OFF, KANSAS. GOD.

Surprise, surprise

Currently dating/sleeping with a 40-year-old man with two teenagers.

I like him anyway.

LIKE-like.

Words with douchebags*

"This is a weird conversation," I said.

"You have a nice ass," he said.




*fucked him anyway

Getting around

I had dates with two guys this weekend.  I will not divulge all the details, but I am just going to say that  A GOOD TIME WAS HAD BY ALL.

Me, especially, hurrhurr.

Hello, Hypocrite Jonz

I winked a bunch of guys on Match.  I eagerly await their silence.

Thank you for bein' a friend

Update 1:  I went out a couple of times with the guy I was super-excited about.  The end.

Update 2:  I heard about Adult Friend Finder from another site that I frequent.  Although it bills itself as being for "Sex and Swingers," some people have found longer-lasting relationships there.  And, given that my own recent history has been basically a couple of hook-ups followed by radio silence, I thought maybe my world is ruled by opposites.  Like, maybe if I went on a website that specializes in short-term, no strings attached-type meet-ups, I'd actually find something more lasting.

So I chose an EXTREMELY unrecognizable name (hint: I got it off my nail polish bottle) and did NOT post any pictures or other identifying information.  The VERY LAST THING I need is to be found by my employer's investigative services on what is basically a hook-up site.

I've gotten a couple messages--nothing I want to respond to--and last Saturday, I decided to do some more thorough research.  That is to say, I wanted to see if I recognized anyone from either OKC or Match.com, or from real life.  I also wanted to see if there was anyone I was interested in actually meeting.

I looked around for a while; I'm on the non-paying option, which means that I'm limited in what I can see, so I had a lot of generic silhouetted photos pop up during my search.  Two margaritas later, I notice there's a little box at the top of the screen that reads "Content Filter: On."

"What's this?" I wonder, and change the option from "On" to "Off."  And HOLY SHIT, you guys.  Immediately I was staring at a page full of dicks.  And I don't mean that metaphorically; I mean I was literally looking at A PAGE OF DICKS.

I immediately messaged my BFF:

Me: ... a lot--A LOT--of dudes are posting dick pics, and I am legit SCARED. Like, some of these dicks, [BFF]. I don't even KNOW. Clearly these guys are super proud of their goods, but my god, I look at them and I'm like, "What the hell am I gonna do with that?"

Because the truth is, my dick experience is fairly limited, and some of those guys looked like they were dealing with a form of elephantitis.  Like, a Dick Illness. It was unsettling, and it was frightening. I mean, I ran across one dude who had pulled his business down, between his balls, into his shorts.

Me: Is that a thing? Do people do that?

BFF: I thought only drag queens did that.

Me: How is that supposed to attract a woman?  What was his thought process?  This is just fascinating from a sociological standpoint.

After a little while, I signed off with this thought:

Me: There are a lot of hairless balls in [this state].

There's really nothing I can say to top that.