Fuck buddies

People need to realize that if you're going to devote time to the "fuck," you also have to devote time to the "buddy."

The first is better when the second is not neglected.

Dealbreakers

I mean, if you're going to knowingly and willingly tell strangers on the internet that The Purpose-Driven Life is the best book you've ever read?

You should probably just get used to never having sex, is all.

Choose wisely

There is a dude on one of the sites I use whose username is asshickey.

I mean, really.

He should have just gone all the way and named himself genitalwarts.  I'd have had the same reaction.

And for my next trick--

I am currently talking to a married guy, and I just don't give a fuck anymore.

I feel so small.

Sex and the City ruined my life

You know that episode where Berger tells the ladies "he's just not that into you"?

And you know how it became a national phenomenon, with a book and Oprah appearances and a fucking media tsunami?  And then ten years later, there was a dumb movie?

Well, "he's just not that into you" can FUCK RIGHT OFF.

I feel like, if I didn't know about that, I might find some small comfort in still thinking that Mike might want me, or that he's just scared to approach me, or some bullshit fairy tale that would let me sleep at night.

HOWEVER.

Having been exposed to "he's just not that into you" is like being punched in the face every day with the reality that he is, in fact, just not that into me.

"If he wanted to be with me, he'd be with me," I tell well-meaning friends who try to give excuses for his [lack of] behavior.  Empirically, I acknowledge that Berger is right, and I am wasting my time wallowing in what-could-have-been.

That I am denied the tiny pleasure of daydreaming that Mike is as miserable without me as I am without him makes me angry, and for this, I blame Sex and the City.

FOREVER.

I don't believe in magic after all

I went out with a magician.

I feel like this puts me in a whole different dating bracket, like I've leveled up.  The number of people who can say they've dated a magician has to be very small.

I realize that my data is anecdotal, but seriously:  magicians are kind of lame.  Like, there is nothing you can do to make magic cool.  You can dress it in leather and make it wear eyeliner, but at the end of the day, it's still basically your grandpa pulling a quarter out of your ear.

My opinions, of course, are affected by the fact that the one magician I know, who also happens to be the one magician I've dated, turned out to be kind of a pompous horse's ass, and worthy only of being the butt* of endless jokes.

I did not enjoy the date, but I have enjoyed making fun of him and, by extension, myself, for going out with him, so at least I got something out of it.

And really, that's the only thing I got out of it, because he gave me a hug at the end of the night and said, "I don't kiss on the first date."  And I was like, "Your loss," but also, "WHEW."

The magic officially ended when, the next week, he texted that he missed me, which creeped me the fuck out, and I told him we were looking for different things and good luck to him.  I didn't even tell him I hoped we could be friends, because he didn't even reach Friend Potential; that's how bad it was.

I'd had a fairly pleasant relationship with magic before him, but now I am not a fan.

He ruined magic.  Fuck him.



* see what I did there?

Relapse, part 2

I didn't talk about him except in passing, but I went out with a guitarist for a minute before I got hung up on my stupid feelings and shit.

We didn't really talk that much after, but not because of anger or anything, just because it was clear that we weren't going to be anything other than fuck buddies, and we were both fine with that.

So I "revisited" him, and it was fine--better than the Bad Speller--and I'll probably hear from him in another couple of months.

I cannot believe who I am right now.

Relapse

Sometimes it becomes necessary to revisit the past, so I revisited the past with the Bad Speller.

It was not great, but that won't keep me from doing it again.

I feel like I've sunk really low, but I can't be bothered to care, because I've stopped caring about everything.

He must be new

I was talking to a magician* on the phone, and he said, "You sound like you're just a cute little blonde."

And I was like, "Boy, are you in for a surprise."




*Yeah, bitches.  I date MAGIC guys.

Writing out loud

Indulge me for a minute while I run through some of my shit in an attempt to pull it all together.

I mean, obviously Mike and I are not, well, ANYTHING anymore, and it has broken my heart in a thousand ways.  It feels weird to say that, particularly as I embarked on this dating thing without intending to be emotionally involved, and certainly not expecting that I COULD be anyway.  But shit happens, and some of it's awesome and some of it sucks so hard that you wonder what it would be like to just sit on your couch and cry for days and weeks.

Mike is the first guy that made me really, really forget about Zack--yeah, him, way back from the beginning--and that was a huge step for me.  And if we had been together for even another two weeks, I would have been dead in love with him, 100% no question.  I mean, I am--was--almost there as it was.  It tears me up to know that I had the potential to be part of something amazing, then to have it pulled away.

I maintain, still, that fear is the main reason we aren't together, but that is his issue, and I can't control it, as much as I might want to.   I conceded and compromised as much as I could, but it became obvious that he was not willing to risk as much as I was.  To have that feeling, even for a little while, of belonging (even if he didn't feel it too), of knowing this is who I want to BE with makes it really hard to go back to a world without it.  It feels different.  It feels ... not right.

At any rate, even though it took a little bit, I've finally gotten to the point that I don't cry every time I go on a dating website.  Sometimes I do, I admit, but not every time.  Baby steps.

So that's where I'm at: acknowledging that I need to move on, even if I haven't fully accepted that he is not going to be part of my life.  I'm only just beginning to look through profiles without just dully scrolling through names, shrugging off page views and messages and winks.  

Most days I just log off, because I look through pictures and favorites and I don't give a shit because nobody is HIM.  But then, some days, I convince myself to make more of an effort, and I put on a happy face and act like everything is normal, everything is Pre-Mike, and I'm just looking for a good time again.

I just need to get back on the horse* again, if you will.  I'm not trying to forget him--as if I could anyway--but I am trying to at least file him away with the others, so the memory is there when I want it, but it doesn't keep hanging out in the front of my mind and fucking me up on a daily basis.

I feel dumb for spending so much time grieving when we weren't even really together for very long.  I don't care, though, because I'll be done when I'm ready to be done, and not before, and side-eye-ers can fuck right off.

I'll cry as long as I need to, and then I will pick myself up and wipe my face and my nose, and then I will kick some ass.


*and by "horse," I mean "dick," obviously

Me

Truth bomb

Here is some information for those of you that are candy-assed sons of bitches who prefer to girl it up with your fucking passive-aggressive approach to breaking up:

DON'T DO THAT, MOTHERFUCKER.

If you have guts enough to stick your dick in a woman, also have the guts to tell her you don't want to do that anymore.

To stay silent, hoping that she'll forget you exist?
1. Not gonna happen
2. WHAT A FUCKING COWARD

It doesn't even have to be A Thing; it doesn't have to involve face-to-face conversation, or that lame Jerry McGuire business lunch in a public place. All you have to do is say, "This is over," via some sort of communication.

I'm not saying I'll she'll take it well, but it's a hell of a lot better than what you're doing now, which is nothing, ASSHOLE.

Heart. Crack.

I haven't had a lot to say about dating lately, because I've been happy seeing one guy.

Let me tell you about my ideal man:

mid to late 30s
college graduate, preferably post-grad degree
never married
childless
shares my interest in pretentious bullshit stuff like Oscar winning movies and spelling "theatre" like that.

This guy I've been with--I'll call him Mike (because that is his name)--meets the following qualifications of my ideal man:
.
.
.
.
.

Yeah.  ZERO.  He is a 40 year old college dropout, is divorced, has not one, but TWO sons (15 and 19), and likes shit like hunting and fishing and going to the Bass Pro Shop.

BUT.

I like him.  I do.  I really, really do.

And I told him that.  One night, as we were talking (... in bed), this happened:

Me: Mike?
Him: Mmm?
Me: I'm halfway to falling for you.
Him: That's just the orgasm haze.
Me: Nope.

So a week later, after not hearing from him for three days, this happened:

Him: Look you freaked me out with the gf talk. We had both said it was going to be about fun and that's it on the front end. You said u didn't want a relationship and hated kids. I'm not capable of a relationship right now. My kids are priority number 1.

Me: I know your kids are your priority. And truth is, I was caught off guard too.

Him: With them being so much of what I'm about I sometimes feel guilty about being away from them. They grow up so fast and I don't want to miss anything. Especially with the family and longtime friends I've lost lately it makes me even want to spend more time with them.

Me: I get that.

****

At this point, I obviously had to vent to my BFF, and this is the thing I wanted to say to him, but instead I said it to her:

WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK. WHY ARE YOU SO FUCKING AFRAID? YOU DON'T ACT LIKE YOU FEEL GUILTY WHEN YOU'RE WITH ME. THIS IS JUST AN EXCUSE YOU'VE COME UP WITH BECAUSE YOU ARE JUST AS AFRAID AS I AM AND YOU KNOW IT. THEY ARE FUCKING TEENAGERS. EVEN IF YOU DO WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH THEM, THEY HAVE LIVES OUTSIDE OF YOU. THEY DO NOT WANT TO BE AROUND YOU 24/7. OTHER PEOPLE MANAGE TO BE SINGLE PARENTS AND HAVE RELATIONSHIPS TOO; STOP BEING SUCH A FUCKING G.I.R.L. AND JUMP IN. MAYBE IT WILL WORK. MAYBE IT WON'T. BUT STICKING YOUR HEAD IN THE FUCKING SAND IS NO WAY TO LIVE. AND I SPEAK FROM EXPERIENCE SO DON'T TRY TO FUCKING PSYCHOLOGY YOUR WAY OUT OF THIS.

You can see that I definitely have FEELINGS about this. So many FEELINGS, in fact, that I even shared some of them with Mike, which is not the kind of thing I normally do.

****

Me: This is what I think, though, and if I'm wrong, I'm wrong: you're scared. That's fine, because I'm TERRIFIED. I don't want emotions, period, but here they are. And trust me when I say you are literally the last guy I thought I'd start to want to get involved with. You know what? You talk about your kids a lot. A LOT. And I don't mind it the way I mind with other people. I like that you're so cool with them and that you genuinely like them as people. Know how many other fathers I've gone out with more than twice? ZERO. So that says to me that you must be something special, because I NEVER break my own rules, but I was and am willing to step out on a limb for you. It is fucking scary out here, and I don't have a fucking clue what I'm doing. I just know that, for now at least, I want to do that, whatever, with you.

[Note: That is pretty mature, I think. Even though dating, in general, has been a huge disappointment and a lot of wasted energy, at least I have gotten the confidence and training to just SACK THE FUCK UP and say what's on my mind, instead of passive-aggressive-ing my way through some kind of soap opera scenario that lasts for 30 years.

On the other hand, saying what I think can also blow up in my face and cause ME a lot of hurt and heartache, so there's ... THAT.]

Him: I've seen too many single dads get involved in something serious and their kids become secondary. I quit seeing a model I saw for a year because she got jealous of my time with them. Easiest decision I ever made. Boys need their dad period.

[NOTE: Why is it important to say his ex-girlfriend was a model?  Know what that says to me, a non-model? "And if I didn't stay with HER, I'm sure not going to stay with you, YOU FUGLY COW."  Oh, good.  Pile it the fuck on.]

[NOTE: WHAT 15 AND 19 YEAR OLD BOYS WANT TO HANG OUT WITH THEIR DAD ALL THE TIME.]

Me: You know how I feel.  I'll leave it to you then.

[NOTE: Knowing good and well it is not going to go in my favor.]

Him: Thank u for understanding.  I'm going to think on this hard for the next few days.

[TRANSLATION: I am not going to talk to you ever again, and I'm hoping you'll forget to ask me about this, so we can just sort of let everything die from neglect, like a houseplant, or your lawn.]

[NOTE: THAT IS A COWARDLY-ASS MOVE AND IF I HAVE THE BALLS TO SAY I WANT SOMETHING MORE, YOU SHOULD HAVE THE BALLS TO SAY YOU DON'T.  TO MY FACE.]

I hate men.  I do.  It was easier to be a non-dating rumored lesbian than to deal with the constant bullshit of mate-hunting.  

Because at least, back then, I was a HAPPY non-dating rumored lesbian.  

Question(s)

What is the best way to suggest to your fuck buddy that you move to the next level?  

And, if he says he's into that, how do you keep yourself from vomiting every time you hear the word girlfriend?

Also, if he turns you down, can you keep sleeping with him, because

OH.

MY.

GOD.

That is all.

Oh. Oh no.

I

am

having

feelings.

FUCK.



I expect this time next week I'll post a diatribe about the capricious nature of man and also how small his dick is.

Knowing your audience

So I'm talking to this guy on OKC, and the messages start to get a little racy.

He asks me if I'm into freaky stuff, and I reply that I'm as vanilla as can be, but I can be persuaded.

He asks what's the weirdest thing I've ever watched, and I reply that I don't really like watching that stuff. (And why would I, Internet?  I am a DO-er, not a watcher.)

I ask what kinds of things he likes to watch, and he replies that he's watched a girl with a dog.

Now, I didn't want to judge, because maybe he was just trying to shock me.  Which he did.

I ask what he likes to DO, since doing and watching are two different things, and he replies by asking me if I would ever do that.

"Be with a dog?" I ask.  "No thanks."

"Ohhhhh, okay, haha," he replies.

HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO TAKE THAT.

"I don't know if you meant to imply that you are into bestiality," I say, "but that's what this comes off as, and yes, it freaks me out."

"Oh, haha," he says, "no, it's just something I saw once."

"Dude," I say, "next time, you need to reveal your kinks slowly.  Here, let's practice:  What kind of stuff do you like?" because I am a second-chances kind of gal, and I know that sometimes people just spout a bunch of shit via texts/IMs that they'd never say in public.

"Role-playing," he says, which: whatever.  I'm not gonna lie; I like it.

EXCEPT let's say you're ... a nurse, okay, and you work in the ward with comatose people all day.  That's not really a space you want to explore sexually, am I right?  So I read this, "Role-playing," and then I hope and pray the next words aren't "nurse/coma patient."

But no.  "Nurse/coma patient," he says.

"That hits kind of close for me," I say.  "But role-playing can be fun."

"I think nurse/coma patient is hot," he says.  "Can't help it lol."

I see there is no way I'm going to win with this one, so:

It makes sense that you're single

I've been fairly lucky since I've started dating, in that I've only gone out with a couple of guys that I didn't really connect with.

On the other hand, that one guy I thought I was really going to like?  Mr. Lacy Fuck-me Pants?  Has turned out to be the most manipulative game-playing son of  a bitch I've yet encountered.  To then be told that I'M at fault is just icing on the cake.

I would like to tell Mr. Asshole Hypocrisy exactly why I hate him, but I feel like that would make it easy for him to tell everybody that I'm the crazy one.  And the fucked-up thing is, I have actually asked myself  AM I THE CRAZY ONE.

So.  To recap: He treats me like shit, insists that I am inducing drama by accusing him of treating me like shit, blames me for making him treat me like shit, and also, I'm the one who is mentally unstable.

WHAT IS THIS DOMESTIC ABUSE BULLSHIT, AND WHY AM I ACCEPTING IT.

No more.  NO. MORE.

I'm out.

But first:

WHAT DID I JUST SAY

My OKC profile has become fairly popular with Kansans lately.  We all know how I feel about that.

FUCK OFF, KANSAS. GOD.

Surprise, surprise

Currently dating/sleeping with a 40-year-old man with two teenagers.

I like him anyway.

LIKE-like.

Words with douchebags*

"This is a weird conversation," I said.

"You have a nice ass," he said.




*fucked him anyway