Replying like a sissy

Here is a message I got today:

well based on your answers to the sex questions...we need to meet I am 5'11..185...brown/blue..athletic body...lets talk..see where it goes

 I don't think my answers to the sex questions were anything revelatory or scandalous; if anything, they were far more conservative than my answers to any other category of question.  Maybe he thinks he can teach me something.

At any rate: NO.

I am a polite person, so I replied, but it took a while to figure out how to address this issue.

Choice 1: No thank you.
Choice 2: erm ... no.
Choice 3: I don't think we're a good match.  For ANYTHING.

I went with a slightly less hostile version of Choice 3 ("Thanks, but I don't think we're a good match for anything.") and I eagerly await his reply, in which I'm sure he'll call me a cock tease.

Weeding out

from an eHarmony match:

So that's ME out of the running.

Are you a detective? Let me give you a clue.

re: profile pictures

When I make the effort to click on your profile, I am there to see if you are moderately attractive to me.

I am not there to see pictures of your dog, your dog's dick, or you with your Nana.

I am not there to see pictures of Prince Harry.

I am not there to look at you at your best friend's bachelor party.

It's elementary, Holmes.

Have you tried turning it off and on again?

On match.com, at least, it seems that the majority of the men have jobs in IT.

Assuming they're not lying about this, I would just like to ask one question:

When you spend the majority of your time fixing the innumerable problems caused by technology, why would you turn to technology to find love/sex/other?

I would never ask someone I work with to set me up.  I feel like all my work friends have friends like ME, and one ME dating another ME would cause the world to implode upon itself.

But, I don't know, I guess ... it's like, if you spend your entire day telling people extracting people from a cult, would you go to the cult leader and ask him to get you a girlfriend?

I don't even know what I'm saying.

Question

Now, what the fuck am I supposed to think when a guy lists "shopping/antiques" as one of his interests?

That shit is not helping you, dude.  NOT. HELPING.

PROOFREAD, ASSHOLES

"... single niece guy ..."

Really?  REALLY.

Altar Call

Apparently match.com is the new eHarmony, in that most of my matches spend a great deal of time talking about their love for God.

It's not that I think loving God is bad; it's just that these types are generally not going to want to get down to business.

I know, because that's how I was, but then I got over it.

Ha

I mistakenly used a picture on my match.com profile of myself when I'm in the middle of a blink.

I don't care; I'm keeping it.

I joined match.com

It's becoming difficult to remember my usernames.

What I will ignore

By now you should know that I am a picky bitch, which possibly explains my sad Singleton status.

Here are more things that will cause me to skip over your profile:

• your profile pic is of you, shirtless
• you are pictured on a bed
• you are clearly using a picture from which you cropped your last girlfriend
• your picture has a kid in it
• you are flexing in your picture
• you are flexing while pointing your phone at a mirror (though I admire your agility)
• your username is a sentence (ex: mynameislemon)
• you reference an ex-girlfriend
• your headline is "HAN SEEKING LEIA," or any "geek seeking geek" equivalent
• your headline is "LOOKING FOR A LIFETIME LOVE" or any other Kenny G-sounding bullshit
• you admit to not reading books
• your favorite band is Dave Matthews

Deal breakers, all; shut 'em DOWN.

Your profile is awful

I admit that, for all three sites that I've joined, I've used the same description for that part of the profile where you're supposed to describe yourself.  I use the same paragraph for my "about me" on Facebook.  Sure, it's lazy, but those words are accurate, direct, and funny, okay, so that's why I keep re-using them.

I wouldn't care if I kept seeing the same description pop up over and over again on dating sites (actually, though, I've only noticed a teeny bit of crossover; clearly the men in my area are not desperate conducting sociological research like I am).   If what you have works, why waste time and effort finding a new way to say the same old thing?

What I am sick and tired of, though, is the following:

• descriptions written in textspeak.  My god, is it too much trouble to type out those two extra characters?
• bad spelling.  your vs. you're.  there vs. their vs. they're.  definite.  surprise.  believe.  This is stuff you should have learned by the fifth grade.
• any use of lol.  Don't lol at your own words.  It's unattractive.
• grammatical errors.  It's not could OF; it's could HAVE, dumbass.  
• emoticons.  Save that shit for texting.
• cheezburger-ing.  Are you a cat?  ARE YOU? 
• separating phrases or sentences with ellipses.  It's really annoying ... I don't know why people do it ... Wait, yes I do ... Because they're stupid lol
• ignoring the shift key.  CAPITALIZE YOUR GODDAMN SENTENCES, MORONS.

What I am learning, over and over, is that I am going to die alone, because every available man in the entire world makes me want to stab something.  And that's before I even meet them in person.

I joined chemistry.com

What a fucking disappointment.

True/False

A person whose username includes the word "poet" writes free verse diatribes against capitalism and/or feminism, without using punctuation or capitalization.

Also, he collects his "poems" in a composition book that has a flipbook on one side of a motorcycle driving through a ring of fire.

Discuss.

Hide me

There's this one guy who keeps sending me messages, and I'm having a really hard time telling him to back off.  Like, he's not rude or vulgar or anything, I'm just majorly uninterested.

Plus, he's older than my preferred age range and, I mean, it's not like I'm 22 or whatever, I just ... god, I just don't want to go out with someone who has more in common with my dad than with me, okay.

Anyway, it's like 2:30 am, and I've got massive insomnia, so I'm creepin' all over profiles.  OKC, though is the WORST, because it won't let me hide that I'm online.  It's like a beacon, right there, on my profile pic: ONLINE NOW!  Damn, OKC, let a girl stalk anonymously, you dig?  Jesus.

So the point is, this guy sends me a message that basically points out the fact that I'm a night owl, uses the wrong form of "you're," and sends me, more or less, screaming  into the night; that is to say, I logged off immediately, and I'm PISSED, because I'm still under the "browse anonymously" option, and now I won't know who looked at my profile.

Goddammit, OK Cupid, cut a girl a break.  GIVE ME A CHANCE TO CREEP WITHOUT BEING CREPT.

True/False

A person whose username incorporates the word "honest" or "nice" is probably not.

Discuss.

Posing

Look, I'm not saying that a person should use photographs of himself, like, saving a baby from a fire or anything, but how fucking hard is it to point a camera at yourself?

I mean, one of my pictures is a self-portrait, but that's sort of an inside joke between some of my friends and me.

It's not rocket science, people.

Also, using a picture of yourself that you took in a mirror with your iPhone?  That shows a sad lack of initiative.

But the worst is when you're 33 years old and using your fucking high school yearbook photo.

GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK.

If you are that lazy about making your dating profile, that tells me you're going to be lazy about some pretty damn important other things.  That's something you don't want to reveal immediately, know what I mean?  Wait a little longer before you disappoint me.

ETA: Also, even if you work up the energy to point a camera at your own face and snap a photo, TRY NOT TO LOOK LIKE A MURDERER.

ETA: Also, it's probably not a good idea for you--a MAN, presumably--to post a picture of your crotch, especially when it is wearing lace undies and is accompanied by a corset and garter belt.

Opinions

Is a dude with a soul patch to be taken seriously, Y/N?

In fact, can a guy with any kind of ironic facial hair--mutton chops, sculpted beard, etc.--be taken seriously, Y/N?

For me: No and No.

I cannot help but laugh, and that would not make me a very good date.

Maybe my profile should be amended to say this: "Sensitive gentlemen and hipster douchebags need not apply."

Of course, this will lower my chances of finding a date by half.

ETA:  Also, a Moe Howard bowl cut.  Dude, come ON.

I unjoined plentyoffish.com

Plentyoffish.com is pretty much the embodiment of the old stereotype of internet dating sites.  Lots of desperate people, dying to get in my pants.

I couldn't handle the pressure, or the 5000 messages.  It was just too, too much.

It scared me.

I joined plentyoffish.com

I feel like the prettiest girl on Whore Island.

True/False

A person whose profile picture consists of his (not-that-taut) abs is going to make me go the gym on a first date.

Discuss.

Hmm.

re: my "really great" personality - This website thinks I'm fat and ugly.

re: how bad guys want me: THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE.

Oh god

I am a 71% match with a bisexual dude in his 30s who does not want to "meet [anyone], hook up with [anyone], or fuck [anyone], soo [sic] go somewhere else with that bullshit, thank you!!!"

He would prefer, instead, the company of my panties.

True/False

A person whose username incorporates the word "badass" can most likely be beat up by a kindergartner.

Discuss.

Dodging Bullets

During my totally-legitimate-and-not-at-all-creepy stalking of Zack's profile, I got a message in my OKC inbox.

This is what it said:

Hi Gorgeous, 
I scrolled through your profile and your charming pic caught my sight! Am single and I'm here to look for my soul mate. I see some potentials in you and the inner glow in your eyes lights me up glancing through your pic. I'm new in all these and do not come around here often, maybe we'd hook up on my email wannaseemypenis@myflyisopen.com*, I hope to hear from you via my email! Good night and sweet dreams. 
K--

All right, I admit it's not that bad. But still, come on. The inner glow in my eyes dimmed somewhat on account of I was narrowing them in disbelief.  I don't think he'd be too interested in my potential to mock the shit out of him for this email.

*not his email, but probably somebody's

Spit Take

I'd gotten about 75% done with the questions and whatnot, and then OKC decided to show me matches in my area.  I like how they don't make you wait (...EHARMONY), because one thing I am universally known for is my lack of patience.

So I'm scrolling through my matches--making fun of them the whole time, because that's what I do--when whose picture should pop up but the guy-who-would-be-my-ex-if-we'd-had-an-official-relationship (hereafter referred to as ZACK M--- because that is his name).

If I lived in a sitcom, I'd have spit water right out of my nose.

Really, Z?  REALLY.

Because this is the same guy who'd JUST told me--via email, mind you--that he didn't want to be with me because, AND I QUOTE: 

The truth is, any sort of relationship with me- even a superficial one, really isn't going to work out. I have a horribly busy work life and I am busy being self indulgent and self absorbed. I will not lead you on anymore. I am not  usually a jerk, however I am on the rebound and in a transitional stage of my life. 

Hmmm.  Well.  How nice for all of us that you'e decided not to be selfish anymore, and that you have, in fact, decided to transition right into dating PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT ME.

Probably my reaction to this is a good example of why he chose not to self-indulge with ME.  Well, fuck it, I'm PISSED.

Me:   OH MY GOD ZACK M--- IS ON OKCUPID AND HIS PROFILE JUST CAME UP ON MINE. WHAT THE EVERLOVING FUCK.

• WE ARE A 73% MATCH.

LAST ONLINE JUNE 8. WHAT. THE. FUCK

BFF:   Zack M---? Pssshhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Fuck him.

This is why she is my BFF.

Obviously, I clicked on him. How could I not, internet?  HOW COULD I NOT.

I of course fell down the rabbit hole on that one, and spent more time than I should have answering questions to see if we were compatible and all that co-dependency bullshit that a week of Mumford and Sons and ice cream should have knocked out of me.

Me: I am answering all these questions. Guess who is an 86% match now. Also, no one's messaged him this week. HMMMMM.


BFF:  um. Why are you creeping on him???


Me:  I am obviously creeping on him because WE ARE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER [BFF]. hee. Beware bunnies!


BFF:  I'm guessing you are going to attempt rabbit stew soon.


I spammed her with a series of gifs that best expressed my inner monologue.

And then I went back to creeping on his profile.

Writing Bullshit

In addition to the esteem-leveling prospect of lowering oneself to dating via internet, there's also the panic that accompanies the chore of describing oneself to strangers.

It's kinda hard to be charming without being an assface.

Plus, the questions these sites ask!  They're so ... ugh.  Once again, I had to turn to my BFF for advice.

Me:  What are the first things people usually notice about me?  I feel like it would be arrogant to put "... that I'm awesome."

BFF:  1.  You have a winning smile 2.  You have big blue eyes 3.  You make people laugh (just don't write because you are making fun of them).

This seemed reasonable enough, so that's what I used, with the disclaimer that I'd gotten that answer from my BFF, and that I realized this was a totally biased answer, but it made me look good.

The "... so suck it" was implied.

Then I had to write all this bullshit about myself and my favorite books and shit, and I never know how much to write and how much to leave out.  Like, I could write about my favorites all the livelong day, but who wants to read a fucking novel when you're just trying to find somebody who'll agree to wet your pecker?

Nobody, that's who.

But OK Cupid is like a nagging English teacher, wanting me to write 500 words on my profile.  What the fuck, OKC?  Is this a college entrance exam or what?

I did the best I could, but I don't really like putting all my business in writing (when I'm not writing anonymously), so I never made it to 500.

I suppose I could have upped the word count by typing "fuck" 20 or 30 times.  Goddammit.  Why didn't I think of that sooner?

Choosing Sides

There are like six billion dating sites out there, so first I had to decide which one to use.  I turned to an old standby, eHarmony, because I had an account with them almost ten years ago, and I figured it would be less work than any other, newer site.

Well, guess what:  things have changed a lot since I last visited eHarmony, and it turns out that it sucks even more now than it did then.  Hoops galore, and I don't have the legs for jumping.  

So, armed with valuable advice from my BFF ("... anyone named Chip should be avoided at all costs."), I did the best I could until she asked if she could see my profile.

Me: I guess ... if I could figure this fucking thing out. It won't put my pics on my profile page, and it's being an asshole. 

That should probably be my capsule description, right?
"Hello, I'm [Lemon, Out]. I can't figure this fucking thing out and it's being a giant asshole. Let's get busy."

Me: It says my profile is only 80 percent complete, but I answered all their fucking questions and put up three pictures THAT IT'S NOT DISPLAYING ON MY PROFILE PREVIEW, so what the hell, eHarmony? WHAT. THE. HELL.

And THEN--and this was where the camel turned around and was like, "If that fucking straw comes anywhere near me ..."--I did a search for new matches. How many lucky guys did I get matched with?

NOT A DAMN ONE.

Me: See ya, eHarmony.  Lemme see what OK Cupid has to say about that.

I switched over to OK Cupid and it was immediately evident that I was going to like this one much better, mostly on account of it's free. Also, there are probably going to be a lot more people on OKC who don't care about marriage and all its attendant bullshit, which is FINE BY ME.

The First One

I was recently dumped via email by a dude I wasn't really going out with anyway.  Regardless, it fucking sucked.

I don't want to get married, but I was reminded, during the short time this guy and I were together, that I really like relationship-y things, like talking and kissing and cuddling and, oh yeah, SEX.

I don't really work in an industry that employs a bunch of men, and the ones I work with are either married or gross.

I've always hated dating, and my relationship-y experience is fairly limited.  I don't do clubs or bars, and I DON'T want my mom to find me a nice man.

So where does a woman in my situation turn to get her date on?  The internet, of course.  The goddamn, fucking internet.