Spit Take

I'd gotten about 75% done with the questions and whatnot, and then OKC decided to show me matches in my area.  I like how they don't make you wait (...EHARMONY), because one thing I am universally known for is my lack of patience.

So I'm scrolling through my matches--making fun of them the whole time, because that's what I do--when whose picture should pop up but the guy-who-would-be-my-ex-if-we'd-had-an-official-relationship (hereafter referred to as ZACK M--- because that is his name).

If I lived in a sitcom, I'd have spit water right out of my nose.

Really, Z?  REALLY.

Because this is the same guy who'd JUST told me--via email, mind you--that he didn't want to be with me because, AND I QUOTE: 

The truth is, any sort of relationship with me- even a superficial one, really isn't going to work out. I have a horribly busy work life and I am busy being self indulgent and self absorbed. I will not lead you on anymore. I am not  usually a jerk, however I am on the rebound and in a transitional stage of my life. 

Hmmm.  Well.  How nice for all of us that you'e decided not to be selfish anymore, and that you have, in fact, decided to transition right into dating PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT ME.

Probably my reaction to this is a good example of why he chose not to self-indulge with ME.  Well, fuck it, I'm PISSED.

Me:   OH MY GOD ZACK M--- IS ON OKCUPID AND HIS PROFILE JUST CAME UP ON MINE. WHAT THE EVERLOVING FUCK.

• WE ARE A 73% MATCH.

LAST ONLINE JUNE 8. WHAT. THE. FUCK

BFF:   Zack M---? Pssshhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Fuck him.

This is why she is my BFF.

Obviously, I clicked on him. How could I not, internet?  HOW COULD I NOT.

I of course fell down the rabbit hole on that one, and spent more time than I should have answering questions to see if we were compatible and all that co-dependency bullshit that a week of Mumford and Sons and ice cream should have knocked out of me.

Me: I am answering all these questions. Guess who is an 86% match now. Also, no one's messaged him this week. HMMMMM.


BFF:  um. Why are you creeping on him???


Me:  I am obviously creeping on him because WE ARE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER [BFF]. hee. Beware bunnies!


BFF:  I'm guessing you are going to attempt rabbit stew soon.


I spammed her with a series of gifs that best expressed my inner monologue.

And then I went back to creeping on his profile.